Good morning boys and girls!

It’s your illusive goddess coming to you once again. Sorry I have been away but my personal life and bread and butter keep me extremely occupied and taking care of 2 personalities is also a hassle… tee hee

I am here to announce that I have been asked to travel to England in April for work and of course in addition to that , I would love to meet and greet with really nice fans. I am gonna try to make it to a few trans parties and would also love a good handsome Britt to show me around as my private tour guide. What do you say?

I am looking forward to creating magic on your side of the world and even more grateful for this opportunity. More details coming soon!

Se você é meu fã do Brasil, então você deve dar uma olhada neste fórum com todos as bonecas lindas brasileiras, e os homens que nos apreciam.

I can’t help but to feel a little empty, wondering where he is, what he is doing, is he thinking of me? Reminds me of our song “Talking to the Moon”. I almost feel like I am talking to the moon and that there is someone out there doing the same. Somewhere out there, there is someone who’s heart is also crying wondering if one day they will find something meaningful. It is difficult for anyone to find a mate, yet I find it almost impossible as a trans woman. I am not sure if I am too picky or if I am a person who deserves someone who understands life as I do. Someone who sees life with an open heart and doesn’t really allow others to dictate how they live or who they chose as a mate. Hopefully someday in the distant future, we won’t love people for their gender, but for who they are as a soul, their struggles, accomplishments and their heart. I don’t have a specific type of person I am attracted to as far as physicality goes for that reason. I think love comes in all shapes, therefore my first attraction as a human is that of the body, but if there is not a personality match I am totally turned off by the person.

I love goofy guys who baby talk, who crack stupid jokes, who like to do nothing and yet love to do everything. Someone who can have fun no matter what situation their are in, no matter how boring it is, they always find a way to crack a smile, some stranger to strike a conversation with, to make someone smile… Someone who sees through others as if they were transparent, if you know what I mean. Someone who can sense others emotions as I do.

Again, I ask. What are accomplishments and gifts if you can’t share them with someone special? Why must some of us be blessed with love while others roam around in the endless search, with endless hope. Sometimes I wish I was a bit colder, that I didn’t sense as much as I do. I feel too much, I see too much, and I can’t help but to absorb some of the sadness that comes with being “different”.

The pain sometimes is forgotten. The difficulty that others have, that I’ve had, from just following the path that was chosen for us. I forget most of the time, because again, I just go about my days as any other “normal” person does. Trying to avoid situations that will impose any drama or sadness in my life. Sometimes we forget that humans are animals and feed on others like hungry wolves and that is what just happened to me.

I forget how the words of others, although truly not important, can affect others deeply, picking at old scars, making them bleed before they’ve had a chance to heal. But do they ever really heal?

Ok so I am in a small city called Volta Redonda, in the state of Rio de Janeiro. It is about 1 and 1/2 hrs from the big city. This is called “The City of Iron” because that is what we produce. I grew up here, 14 years of my life. Obviously everyone has pretty much stayed in this neighborhood, including the boys I used to “Play” with. My years of experimenting with boys started very early, maybe at the age of 10. I was always the bottom, and even though the boys fucked me, I was still called a Fag.

As I returned home, things have been very difficult for me. Adjusting to living a different life has really been a challenge, yet I was ready for it when I decided to take the plunge. I did feel I was strong enough to withstand the pressure.

A few weeks ago, I was at a local neighborhood bar, which is walking distance from my house and I exchanged looks with a very good looking young man, 22 to be exact. 13 years younger then me, there’s the first problem. That night we just looked and smiled and basked in the moment. We never did talk to each other as I am extremely shy and simply do not want to be bothered with all the bullshit that comes with meeting someone for the first time. You know… the typical … Hi my name is Erika and I was born a boy. Turns out he just moved here not so long ago, so he really didn’t know about my past. Me and my friend from childhood Cintia ended the evening and as I walked by I said goodbye to him, and he replied.

A week passed and I was at the bar/bakery in front of my house with my aunt and mom and who walks in? I was wondering where I seen him before, as he sat down I figured it out. We again exchanged looks but this time I was not going to let him off that easy. I decided to strike up a convo. He is very quiet so I was very nervous around him and felt as I was imposing. I got up and left with mom and auntie. In the house they asked where I knew him from and they insisted I go back outside to talk to the guy. When I refused they both walked out and sat at his table LOL I had no other choice.

That evening we broke the ice and as mom and auntie left we decided to go back to my place, which is across the street. We kissed, one thing led to another and we ended up being intimate without me discussing with him my past. I had the feeling he somehow knew and the next day when we went to share a soda at the same bar we first exchanged looks, I told him. He seemed very accepting until a week later, which was last night.

He came around as he usually does 8ish or 9ish. I noticed he was acting a bit strange. He proceeded to tell me that he was at a local bar where he met up with a few of his friends and two guys who knew me from childhood. They cornered him and asked is he knew about my past. He was hesitant to tell them the truth with all reason. They proceeded to ask if he knew I was a man and he denied it.

I feel bad… as if I am imposing on his happiness and his “normality”. That somehow my colorful life will interrupt his life. I am not in any position to take on any additional drama right now and veer off my current path to better suit anyone’s choice in life, and so I feel I should not impose the same on him. Up to now he loved women, maybe he never questioned his sexuality, but finding out the woman you are attracted to was once a man is a bit difficult and I understand it completely.

I asked him to leave as he asked for sometime to think. Think? Think about what? I think the decision is pretty simple… Do you like the “person” or not? Is the person worth going through hell and back for? I think I have many qualities to share with someone, but maybe this aspect of my life does cloud the way a man sees me. The way a lot of people see me. Either they see me as a transsexual or someone with a “condition”. I just want someone to see me as a human ~ as me ~ Erika! The girl with many gifts and talents. The funny witty girl that can make them laugh and love them unconditionally… Is that so much to ask?

I received some great news today. One less obstacle in my way. The cards are all lined up for me, I need to watch my steps carefully, be patient and trust that it will all work as its meant to work.
I have donated everything that would not sell such as dishes, towels, curtains, Tupperware.
I also threw away so much paperwork I don’t need anymore, shredded first ofcorse.
I am basically living a minimalist life for a month or so, and to be honest, I sorta like it. I feel lighter and empowered.

I am digitizing my baby footage dad shot with the 8MM. We used to watch this on the projector during family gatherings. We shall do it again and I cannot wait.